let why lead
Welcome to Let Why Lead, a place for the purposeful wife and mom. I’m Erica, and I'm passionate about living fully and filling my family with love and belonging. For regular reminders of the whys of your life, I hope you’ll keep coming back.
learn more

Weekend Reading for Mindful Women | Plus, a Mini-Review of “10 Mindful Minutes”

You Are Still YOU. Even If...

Some Favorite Finds

Science Says There Are Four Kinds of Introversion. I have it on good authority that I’m a “thinking introvert.” What are you?

I was captivated by this HuffPost piece on how the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety; it’s human connection. More evidence that our efforts to raise grounded, wholehearted children absolutely matter!

You guys really identified with this one—7 Things that Shouldn’t Impress Us Anymore—when I posted it on Facebook. I don’t think we’ve ever had so many likes on an article before! Can’t say I blame you, though, because THIS:

“Let’s stop trying to impress others with the things that we own. And start trying to inspire them by the lives that we live.”

This is my battle cry. Well, one of them. :) From Writing Your Way to Happiness on the NYTimes blog:

“We all have a personal narrative that shapes our view of the world and ourselves. But sometimes our inner voice doesn’t get it completely right. Some researchers believe that by writing and then editing our own stories, we can change our perceptions of ourselves and identify obstacles that stand in the way of better health.”

I was intrigued by this mom and design blogger’s story of meditating with their kids. The post includes an app recommendation and a bunch of insightful comments from readers.

A Mini-Review of…

10 Mindful Minutes: Giving Our Children–and Ourselves–the Social and Emotional Skills to Reduce Stress and Anxiety for Healthier, Happy Lives by Goldie Hawn

The truth is, I can’t decide what I think of this book. (I know—some help I am…) The book alternates between topical, research-based chapters and chapters with short, first-person reflections from Goldie’s life. I kept waiting to get to the meat of it when I finally realized there was no climax, no surprising, overarching message that would allow me to live presently for the rest of forever.

If anything, the overall message was that mindful living matters, and I was already sold on that. I also would have liked to see more suggestions of mindfulness practices for myself and my kids. The book definitely has some, but I guess I just wanted a more definitive plan. As in, DO THIS FOR 10 MINUTES A DAY AND YOU’RE GOOD. (Does that make me a product of my generation?? We want answers quick.)

That said, I was better at living in the moment while I was reading this book, so I did appreciate that. And if you or someone you love is new to the concept of mindfulness as a way of reducing stress and increasing joy, then this is a great place to start. I think it’s safe to say you’ll be convinced.

Did any of you read it? I’m especially interested in hearing what you thought since I was a bit on the fence about this one.

A Self-Love Reading List for 2015 | 8 books to help you develop a kinder inner voice this year!

For anyone interested in participating in the world’s most casual book club, the next up on our self-love reading list for 2015 is Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy by Donald Miller (who also wrote A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, btw). Can’t wait to see his conclusions from a year of being himself no matter the cost—with the hope of impressing fewer people and connecting with more. (So good!)

[ Leave a comment ]

What Makes Marriage Hard? These 5 Things (Among Others)

I wrote this post three years ago. For some reason—maybe it’s the fact that my husband and I are now approaching one decade together—it’s been on my mind lately. I was hungry to re-read it and see if I still feel the same way. Good news—I do! I took the chance to fill it in a bit more and bring it back up to the front. Thanks so much for being here! I hope you enjoy it.

“Marriage is hard.”

I had heard that statement all my life.

But I suppose because I was young and my head was full of qualities that I just knew I’d find in a spouse, I never thought to ask more about what makes marriage “hard.” Subconsciously, I probably even believed that the type of guy I would catch would never make it that hard.

In reality, marriage can be incredibly difficult no matter how great the guy or how prepared you think you are. It takes a lot to meld two lives—two different personalities, from two different backgrounds, equipped with entirely different ways of dealing with conflict and seeing the world.

If I could go back and give my twenty-year-old self a heart to heart (if only!), here is what I’d tell her makes marriage challenging: 

5 Things that Make Marriage Hard (But Worth It) | "While 'sameness' sounds downright dreamy sometimes—it's in navigating our differences that we learn what real love is."

1. Overcoming Expectations Based on Family Experience

The relationships you observed and experienced your whole life in your own family are likely very different from what your soon-to-be spouse experienced. Ryan and I laugh now at how similar we thought our families were before we married. We both come from tight-knit families of six. Our dads are quiet leaders in the home; our moms work in education. Our families share the same faith and values. But beneath those things, there are a million things that make our families significantly different. From gender roles to parenting philosophies to attitudes toward money and so much more—those roots shaped us as individuals.

2. Settling into Roles

Getting comfortable and settling into roles is GREAT with the roles that work for you as a couple. He is the night owl who hangs out with the wide-eyed newborn while she catches a few hours of sleep before taking over. He makes lunches while she gets the kids dressed. She walks the line of pessimism while he (the diehard optimist) helps her see the silver lining.

However, settling into roles can be disappointing if certain roles leave one or both partners wanting. She needs to vent; he thinks problems feel smaller if you don’t dwell on them. She hears every sound the kids make at night; he could sleep through an earthquake. (In fact, my husband has!) She wants more sharing of household work; he is spent from working all day. Once roles become comfortable and familiar, it can take superhuman effort to change.

3. Forming Habits 

Even the smallest of your spouse’s habits can get under your skin and fester if you let it. Marriage is as much about choosing what habits you can live with as it is choosing which habits to ask your spouse to work on. (And even more than that, it’s about confronting your own habits!)

4. Keeping Marriage Private vs. Needing a Sounding Board 

I was always advised to keep marriage matters private. I heard things like, “Be careful! If you complain about your spouse to your mom, she’ll think less of him.” And, “If you want to build your husband up, you should never say anything bad about him.” There is truth in these statements: Of course I want to build my husband up! And of course I don’t want my mom to dislike him! But I found myself very isolated as a newlywed trying to navigate marriage struggles that I felt unprepared for.

I NEED to talk my problems through, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. A few years into my marriage, I began cautiously opening up to a friend. I did my best to paint my husband fairly but honestly and was liberal in admitting my own flaws. Her understanding and encouragement gave me a tremendous boost, and things began looking up. I felt so much lighter knowing I was not alone in my marital struggles. My husband and I were normal! Totally imperfect, but normal! I just hadn’t known it before, because most people around me were quiet.

Sometimes a trusted friend can be a fantastic sounding board. Other times, a neutral, professional sounding board is even better! Several sessions of counseling after our second baby was born did us a world of good.

5. Accepting that Love Changes with Time

I love my husband differently—more completely—than the day we were married because we have been through some highs and lows together. We have gone to sleep unhappy and trudged through days feeling unconnected. But we forgive and reconnect and love each other more. It’s not the shinny-new-penny type of love and euphoria that we shared on our wedding day, and I admit that I sometimes miss that. But it’s a richer love, because it is based on more shared experience than it was day we said “I do.”

As Terryl Givens said, “Love is found in the face of difference, not sameness.” 

While sameness sounds downright dreamy when his way of parenting differs with mine or when his way of showing me love is falling right outside my line of sight—it’s in navigating our differences that we learn what real love is.

5 Things that Make Marriage Hard (But Worth It) | "While 'sameness' sounds downright dreamy sometimes—it's in navigating our differences that we learn what real love is."

I’d love to hear—Do these things resonate with your marriage experience?

Off the top of your head, what would you say is one of the things that has most surprised and challenged you about marriage?

Related Post: Our Love Story (And Maybe Yours Too)

Photos courtesy of the talented Tyler Branch


How to Find a Photographer that Fits Your Personal Style | Family Photo Inspiration

Welcome to the first post in our mini-series on photography for moms. The very first person I thought of for this series was Jenn. She is an incredible photographer, as well as an adorable mom of four and a real-life friend. I am infatuated with how much LOVE she captures in her work. I’m sure you’ll see it in the images. Thanks,…


Locked In

Some things never leave you. For me, one of them is heat. You know the feeling, right? When you get into a car that has been sitting—baking, really—in the sun and a bead of sweat instantly forms and runs down your back. For this Arizona native, that feels like home to me. It’s also the feeling of soaring straight for the…

[ 1 Comment ]

You’re Made of So Much Beauty, But It Seems that You Forgot… (Printable)

I stumbled across this poem on the internet, and the last few lines have been stuck in my head ever since. I hope you’ll take a moment to read it—and even better, to let it sink in! Feel free to grab the 5×7 printable version; these words need to be in front of women’s eyes…always!  “Not” by e.h. You are not your age,…